You wont know

: pilot_light_out; October 26th, 21:35

my head is lead i dont ever wanna go to bed
your hair is on fire

: pilot_light_out; October 14th, 19:41

id like more than this, that makes it best to start it like this

i dont write the same anymore, well i do, but i dont because things continue to change as do i, but thats the inherent meaning on an on

okay, so, everything right now is many things. maybe i cant write anymore like a journal you know, there's so much that has no meaning, even though i care, i care a lot about a lot of things, but maybe i only say that because i think i should. so wait, do i care about anything. yes i certainly do, thats not where i was going. okay another one.

ive passed through something in my mind, i wouldnt say it has been so recent, no, but now it is occuring to me in a heavier way while writing this. whats something meaningless? but still with oh lets go with love or something

i love the new Brand New CD completely not disappointed what great music they make. even the first time i listened to the whole thing i felt like i had heard it before. and the sounds have accompanied me on many of my nighttime visits to, what to say besides dreams for fun, another sort of plane, like an astral plane. stop, customer.

but i borrowed this book from katie nelson called BE HERE NOW i saw it on the table, these eyes, i swear, cant fool them when something crazy like that is near, so there i am for about three years i bet, bahaha, trippin out on this buddha buddha book. and hey one these files says i agree with this, mostly. agreeing is quite the convienience isnt it. could have spelled that wrong. now that has meaning.

little things that pop up because either i like it or i hate it or both or something else.
my lame ass ego
puss n boots's crazy mind and my astonishment and continuing patience
every rap song where the voice says, not with words, sex sex sex, reminds me of shallis, oh, there's another one
lots of why's
discipline to meditate but that aint no thang
thinking im becoming more and more the guy i've always wanted to be just by staring in the mirror for a moment
stopping this because it feels weird to my sadhara!

shit, fuck
im not as jealous anymore
i still desire and im not fighting it anymore but hmm
okay, thats enough

i love you

you do this every time

: pilot_light_out; July 1st, 21:04

i have been living with Puss N boots up in Des Moines for the past week, trying to find a job, needing one so fucking bad, been doing okay as easily said, but obstacles man, obstacles. im not going to go into it because its so disgusting and does not deserve to be spoken about yet again, but very important things of mine have gone missing. suprised? no. supremely pissed off? oh yes.

im in the kind of state of mind that needs a stranger to talk to, preferably in a very nice room, after smoking a blunt. and the stranger, for some reason, really wants to know whats in my head, whats ringing the loudest. because sometimes its like i know, but in order to see it i must start speaking. and im also thinking that its not important because it rarely ever is, while being totally so in many ways i do not sense, perhaps fortunately, but still in my state of mind its sitting in the window being gawked at. i dont know what that means.

Puss and i listen to sweet hip hop songs and a Day to Remember and, hmm, five finger death punch, and eat pizza and salad repeatedly, and adore the fucking cuteness of little Dougie and his interaction with Ziggy. Animals are the best teachers. We smoke with her new girlfriend Kara and her friends and i continue to hope for things, i discover new things daily still, greatly. i dont know what that means.

there's drama around me but i tend to watch from the stands nearby, a secret grin on my face. still i fight the natural reactions created inside of me. in that i suppose i should not fight them. i really do know a lot about puss n boots. and she tells me everything she knows. if she knows something, bet your horses that i know it too. and i enjoy that thoroughly. surviving the reactions.

with everything i am and everything that is seen, im still remarkably alone in myself, and this is not bad but it can be for some. at least at first, mostly. but being alone can be the most powerful thing in life. not alone like not having a girl or boyfriend, but alone in one's mind. i wanted to watch waking life last night, not that badly though, i asked puss n boots if she would let me put it in. She said no. Thats too much thinking. I replied, sincerely, do you ever feel like you don't think enough? she didnt say anything, just gave me a "okay mason" look

and then i felt that same lonliness and i thought about Nobody Sees the Trees and some thoughts near those were like, what if you fell completely in love, with yourself

kleem

: pilot_light_out; June 20th, 3:19

i can barely keep my eyes open. my room is so dark, it puts me right to sleep. im thinking about jack johnson lyrics. because i cant find the words to say. i was looking at the sky tonight, the stars were fantastical ablamazing eye seekers. yeah you should have seen my eyes. i listen to the same songs all the time but it doesnt bother me. my eyes are fighting what i want. im looking at something else but i only mean to look at you.

(no subject)

: pilot_light_out; June 19th, 3:31

WHATS GONNA HAPPEN MASE????

what are you thinking about

: pilot_light_out; June 15th, 21:40

I watched them quietly and knew of my own intensity. Biting my lip she followed me, as if she knew I was there. Every sound she makes, every smooth acknowledgement, its all for me. How long have I done this? Running upstairs, searching for an object to reach me to it, searching through the box of self defined gold. I am so young for this, but its who I am. It's who you are. What does it mean to be a child? So many things, of course. It was almost the desired end point of every game I would play with myself. These toys are a part of me and they become me and I become them, they touch because I want to touch, and every small ear is found chewed and amazingly savored by me. All my life I'll wonder if someone is watching. And not one day, but right now, I'll truly hope that someone is. How is it that I can be denied something so true? Certainly I deserve it, otherwise I would not be what I am. Certainly I deserve it, otherwise I would not feel it. Certainly I deserve it, otherwise everything would be nothing. But there's something in my head, unfortunately its only me, even I deny myself. And that is my answer, I deny myself, then so do you. It is not you saying no, it is me. Now I am saying yes to myself. I'll say yes to my body. I'll see it for what it truly is. I'll also realize every question I've asked before is dead, and there is no future. If I realize this, then so will you. Still the seperation is one of the sexiest things, but it is only so, obviously, so we can be connected again. And in this connection everything is true. Everything you see is sex. I understand this about myself, meaning I understand this about everything, and even myself and denial learn to fuck eachother.

i thank i thank

: pilot_light_out; June 8th, 14:07

walk up on the set
steppin on a swag
clothes got a Dro odor
so you know I blow bags
fresher than a mother fucker
pockets got stacks
hoes lookin over here cuz they like Steve's Jag
Chirper goin off like I got a dispatch
and they lookin for that work
i aint about to holla back NOPE
post up on that whip
and start looking for something bad
nice thighs, cute legs, and gotta have a phat ass
bust that pussy open then i tell her bring it back
im a beast up in these sheets
its like somethin you never had
caught you in the club doin that sexy ass dance
dropped it down to the floor and brought it back up in a stance
i like the way she workin it
ass sit right and its like magic when she twirkin it
baby dont you jerk me
i know this is for certain
cuz she guaranteed she let me beat it then ill murk it

my dougie
my dougie
my dougie
my dougie
she say she like my dougie
im fresh
my dougie
im fresh
my dougie
im fresh

yep, fly than a muhhh fucker

27th floor

: pilot_light_out; June 8th, 3:45

I'm on the 27th floor of some building, the elevator. I'm in the elevator. I'm not writing this down. I'd guess there's four seconds in between floors. I'm going down slowly. So is my breathing. First floor, the door opens. I'm thinking its a hallway now. Three doors on each side. The walls are dark red. There are dim lights hanging at the end of the hall. Its a very dark hall, and I'm thinking I know where it leads. There is a door 20 feet away at the end of the hall. It could be longer than that. I've never felt so confident. It doesn't really matter if its a dream or not. I reach the door, my hand on the doorknob, it has the cold brass touch, I twist it. The room has less than a second to reveal itself. I close the door and stand still, patient. The room has sharp red walls and the windows are tinted. Red. The objects in the room have a purpose, I'm smiling. There is another door in the room, its closed. There is a light on the other side of it, I can see that. The best thing so far that I've felt is nothing, I'm not thinking about anything. I can't even be surprised that I'm not. I can't even question why. That's why I'm not writing this down. The other door opens. Everything I'm seeing now is completely indescribable. No, wait, its a secret. But I'm not thinking about it. I don't care about it. You ask for an explanation, I close my eyes.

Naked Cheeseballs

: pilot_light_out; June 3rd, 17:56

I sat alone. While making it all up I surprisingly found that it was actually true. As I wonder, the majority of it begins with an all too common human wish. The wish to express how one truly feels. Not true meaning fact, or any other opinion that the majority favors, but true meaning without the need to be acknowledged in such a way that is actually condescending. Truth is a word, and what a word is, well, do you know? The argument, readily aggressive in most minds, is that there is meaning behind the word, so in its essence it is much greater than it seems. I reply, to whomever is the aggressor, "What is behind that word is thought, and, quite fortunately, that's all there is to it."

John laughed sarcastically. "So what is thought then, huh?" He waited for my reply. Sensing his apathy, I figured saying nothing would be the best answer. I looked around the room for a moment, and noticed his book shelf was not filled with books, but music records.

"Do you collect those?" I asked, staring at them. He turned his head to confirm what I was asking about.
"Collect them? Not really, I just happen to have a lot of them. Most of them were my father's." He looked down sadly, and I guessed that his father must be dead. I thought about how their relationship might have been. I asked myself questions that had no answers. There were so many things I would never learn about him. A few seconds later, it didn't matter much.

"Do you enjoy music?" I asked, but not with the intention of receiving a standard answer, as usual.
"Yeah, who doesn't? There's nothing like playing your favorite album after a bad day," he said as he got up and walked over to the book shelf. He ran his fingers across all of them, and pulled out the last one he touched. He flipped it over and studied it.
"John, why you do think people make music?"
"To get laid?" He laughed, not looking up. "To make money?"
"Why do you think people want to get laid and make money?"
"Come on, you know why. Everyone wants to fuck. And money gets you what you want."
"Is it important to get what you want?"
"Of course it is. Otherwise you'd never be happy."

I looked down at my hands. They seemed so perfect to me, and I tried to think about that each time I took a moment to really see them. I rubbed them together and John watched me, not knowing what I was thinking, and I smiled a little because he didn't. "What makes you happy, John?"

He stared out the window. His eyes looked as empty as his mind. He scratched his head. "A lot of things do, I can't name them all. " There were so many things he would never tell me. I couldn't imagine him anymore.

How could this start with truth? That is never how I wanted it to begin. I didn't have a plan anyways, and no matter how angry I get, it doesn't change my thoughts. Only death will do that. Through every move, every sound, every memory, it's always there. A person could experience no enlightenment in life and still die the same way as a person who understood it. So death is all a person needs to become what is real.

Today's Date

: pilot_light_out; June 1st, 11:43

The sands near the ocean have never sparkled as much as this. Staring out into the vastness of blue on blue, my hands sinking into the ground, just as my heart might be as true, I'm discovering what I will discover again and again forever. It's okay, but nothing makes me as sick. Such is the truth that I wish was not true. So I just let it happen. I let it happen the way a murderer's helpess victim would let it happen. Give up, let it kill you. I could wonder if it would be over then but that's all it will be. What if I woke up in the past? But only last night I discovered that time does not exist.

I never read the paper. The paper was on the table this morning. I'm sweating. It's pointless to even think the words "this is not possible...." The words can not be read. Except for the date. I'm staring at the date, and my mouth is open. My mouth, I realized, is like an arm before its scarred for life. Everything is okay, but by the end of this day, it will never be the same. Since I remember the day so well, I live through it, and to everyone else, its just another day.

I've fucking been here before. I'm almost ready to scream it. This is not a test.

"I feel really sick tonight, I can't go out."
"Laaaaame."

Forever you'll have no idea.

lifter

: pilot_light_out; May 29th, 14:19

watch me with your eyes
been giving god a pedophile
i want to be just like you
then i'd be cool
maybe not, but
we lift our eyes, big surprise
kiss me goodbye, whore
without you being here
i've been giving fear
been a bore, I wish I could feel like you
when I fuck like you, being sore, but
we lift our eyes, big surprise
kiss me goodbye

and you make me burn all that you worked for
every knuckle wiped into her
I know if i get more style
I will never get what i want
inside of her

this gift of mine, resing, restring, unwind, my eyes are closed
a part of me gets pissed
a part of me gets sore
a part of me gets sick
a part of me gets sore
a part of me gets sick
a part of me gets...inside, I burn
a part of me gets sick
a part of me gets sore
a part of me gets sick
a part of me gets sore
a part of me gets sick
a part of me gets sore
a part of me gets sick
fucking sore

I wave goodbye to you

snootchin lou booties

: pilot_light_out; May 19th, 13:00

alright well here's my list, its completely official, and Im doubting it will change.

1. Gwen Stefani
2. Evan Rachel Wood
3. Christina Ricci
4. Brody Dalle
5. Kirsten Dunst

we're moving this week, into our new house. i never wrote about how Morgan, Lynnsey, Tor, and Dan Mitchell all snuck into the house last weekend and partied in the basement. I was checking it out earlier that day, walking around the house, and I noticed the door was a little open, so obviously not locked, so I said what the hey, and went in and looked around. After telling Lynnsey this, she immediately had the idea to sneak in there later that night with some beer and some blunts. It worked pretty easily. But a few beers were spilled on the basement floor (thats where my room is, actually the whole basement is pretty much mine, and its pretty spacious, and it has a stripper pole, wut wut) but party fouls happen. And Tor broke a wine bottle, which I thought he cleaned up, but didnt. So anyways we stay there for a few hours and leave, all is well.

The next morning my mom calls me. "Were you in the new house last night?"

rule: I'll deny anything in the morning

so I say no. its just a reflex. "So you weren't drinking there last night? The neighbors saw kids go in there. And beer stains were found, along with a broken wine bottle. The neighbors threatened to call the cops if they see anyone go in there again. So you weren't in there huh?"

blah blah. "Well dont fucking do it again!"

and she didnt mention it later. so we got off pretty easy. We had to break the place in, come on. And yeah, i think its a sweet fucking basement. I'm stoked fo showw

quit living like a patty melt

: pilot_light_out; May 14th, 19:50

I told Morgan, I could have made a film about our gravel today and I'm betting you would have been impressed. You can make a film about absolutely anything, even if its us arguing about what CD to put in, or waking up and throwing something across the room, or feeling exhilarated as you walk out the door, but back to depression as you walk back through it. Amazing opportunities for film are everywhere, and as long as the passion for creatively showing what you see in this world is within you, you can make any event into an award winning film.

I've told myself this twice, and now I'm questioning if there really is a lesson to learn. As I tell myself I could be chasing a rabbit that doesn't exist with a loaded gun I have no permit for, I fight it because there has to be a better way to look at it. There has to be a better way to see myself in this. Laughingly, maybe everyone could sit in front of me and tell me how wrong I am and spell out my mistakes, as I metaphorically tear into what tastes the best to me, I would tell them to fuck off but I think that the juices running from my mouth say it all for me.

I desire...

Whisper

: pilot_light_out; May 8th, 14:00

words will fail me now
when i know you're lost
i always heard what you said

my eyes will feel the pain
with every glance
and if you see through me...

you'll see how much i miss your kiss
and how i always heard what you said

and just like you i'd kill my head

parenting

: pilot_light_out; May 6th, 19:46

i wonder when im going to die. i bet there's at least one moment every day that i think about it. will i look death in the eyes? or will i not even have the time to have the realization. Some realizations are great. And you can have them over and over again. And its good. But certain death, you will only have that realization once. its completely amazing. yes im being a scorpio, but its like the feeling of the keyboard and the way the sun is shining through this tree outside and everybody driving by me while im walking home and whatever you're thinking when you happen to look at me. something so true and inevitable, something every single fucking living thing experiences over and over again, its not pessismistic either. i pour my cereal, holy shit im going to die someday! i turn the channel, holy shit im going to die someday! i laugh with my friends, holy shit we're all going to die someday! GET DEEEEEP

i do get sick of myself, but in a funny way. not in a suicidal way. heavens no! death aint shit but a hoe and trick. i dont know where that came from. i remember seeing my brother in his casket though. and feeling so confused about it. i dont know why, but maybe i do. and ill always remember reaching out and touching his arm, and it was the weirdest thing i ever felt, i pulled my hand away so quickly, its one of my favorite memories. the feeling of my brothers arm when he's laying there, dead. i didnt even know him. i really didnt. i tell people my brother died when i was five, he was four, and they are apologetic, but something inside me feels so fucking weird, because i hardly got to know what i lost. and its such a sad thing. maybe thats why it makes me feel so numb.

this is my head. i kind of do think about the same fucking things all the time. i think its a lonely feeling. but someday right before i die i might have that second of thought where all i feel is some sort of sadness because i wont be able to annoy the fuck out of myself with my fucked up repetitive thoughts. wow, im really going to miss it.

you say why i say why bother

: pilot_light_out; April 29th, 14:57

I never understood why people feel so good about believing in "something greater than themselves." To me, thats just a belief in your own powerlessness. Who wants to be fucking weak? Life can never be as good as it could be if you continue to believe that no matter what, you're a fucking loser, pretty much. Oh, I am a powerless human! Help me god! All I will do is cry without you! Maybe if i'm lucky I'll drown in my own pathetic tears!

But the real wisdom behind all the bullshit, is just me chilling the fuck out about it. There will probably always be something that makes me angry, and makes me have the feeling of "i dont fucking understand this shit!" And thats actually good. Anger is something real, its actually an amazing thing when you see it for what it really is. An experience of life. So do not deny anger and whatnot, that is not the key to wisdom. Wisdom is just knowing that is only what it is...and you always have the freedom to let go of those thoughts. So yes of course I disagree with things, thats a part of my fucking nature, and that is freedom, but some people really let it get to them.

You know, Jesus really did have a lot of good things to say. And they weren't rules and shit like that, Jesus was wise enough to know that even if the humans didnt follow him that was okay. He didnt want to say "this is right and this is wrong" he probably just wanted people to learn to understand themselves and how life is.

I dont want to say or wish that people would just wake the fuck up, because actually thats not so important, if it was important then it would happen, I think, so what is more important is learning. Maybe.

I am wise enough to know that I dont have the answer.
But I am also wise enough to know that whatever answer I give myself is just fine.
I am wise enough to accept my anger in things, but still never judge people.

A simple wisdom calculation

Randominity of life + experience = perception

i.e. why should i judge Mr. Preacher man? For he, like me, was randomly (well, there's probably more behind this, but that is much deeper conversation) put into the experience of life that would almost undoubtedly lead him to believe and percieve certain truths (opinions) and there was almost no way of stopping this. It's really not his fault. This is why it is not wise to judge. Not bad to judge, just not wise. Understanding this formula in everyday life will (hopefully) lead one to understand others in a better, more accepting way. Yes I can disagree and feel angry, but inside I know that it really means nothing in comparison to "the big picture." The big picture meaning things like love. Love is understanding. Love never blames. And love never judges.

I want to stop there.

Oh Jesus let me get some tonight...

Tags: wisdom

not trying

: pilot_light_out; April 28th, 13:20

Shallis is crazy, and she told me she was the other day, and I'm like yes thats fine, because we're all crazy, but she said, No Mase, I really am crazy, and I'm sorry. And she is, I guess. She usually tells me when she is going to go hang out with Becky (the ex that she is still in love with) you know, and I'm always cool about it with her, because I dont want her to have to hide it from me. I hung out with her Sunday night and then when I was leaving she said she would call me the next day when she got off work. And she never did. So I called, no answer. Three hours later I call again, no answer. So I leave a message. I'm really nice about it. I told her i was just hoping to hear from her, and that i was about to go smoke a B with puss and beth. See, no crazy WHAT ARE YOU DOING shit. I figured she must be with Becky, but I tried not to believe it at first, because I don't understand why she would ignore me over and over. Or why she would feel that she had to. I didn't hear from her all night. I'm wondering if she'll call later today when she's off work. I'm not going to call her. Both Puss and Beth said I should try and stop talking to her. I dont want to do that, because even if we can't be together I still want to be her friend. And if she ends up with Becky then thats what it is, I'll be pretty disappointed about it, but I feel that I wont be crazy about it. And I told Shallis this at the beginning, I really don't get jealous of girls, only guys. Now, if she was skipping me out for some ex boyfriend, that would be a whole different story of anger. I would be very jealous and seething. Fuck, I even told her that I didn't mind it if she wanted to have a little sex with girls on the side. So long as she tells me when she is going to. Now, some might say, well if you let someone have sex with other people, you must not care enough about them. And thats really not the case for me. I just really dont mind it if my girlfriend wants to have sex with other girls while she is with me. Unless it was an ex or something. Or some dyke that is trying to take her away from me. She has friends that aren't dykes that she could have sex with. Girly girls, right. Just fo fun sex. And thats cool. This is also why I would prefer to have a bisexual girlfriend, hey, more chance of a three way. Come on, I'm a guy. Anyways, I dont know, I am sad about this situation. I was really starting to like her a lot. She makes me feel so comfortable, she's the first person to really give me affection and all that, and her being a Cancer we have a lot in common and feel the same way about most things. And when we first started talking she would tell me that she was falling for me and how she thought I was so amazing. All that sweet shit. This is all just a complete turn around. Puss thinks so too. I just wish Becky (who has a girlfriend) would fuck the fuck off and Shallis would let me show her how much I care, you know. Thats one reason I dont freak out on her about this all, because I care about her. But then, being jealous doesnt mean you don't care about someone anyways. I dont know. I guess if I showed my jealous side I'm afraid it would push her away. And it probably would. So I'm just trying to chill out and trying to show her that. But inside I'm really fucking sad about it...and I keep thinking about her eyes looking up at me...and how it feels to kiss her

fuck paragraph breaks i just needed to do it all at once

in no certain order

: pilot_light_out; April 27th, 13:13

1. Naked Cheeseballs
2. Peeing Under the Porch
3. Ass At Work
4. Call Me John Smith
5. Emily's Eyes
6. The Sidewalk is Talking
7. Hopefully Danny Can See Me
8. Toys
9. What Darkness Has to Say
10. Across the Street Where You Live
11. Fuck Everything
12. I Don't Really Remember It

nightly visitations

: pilot_light_out; April 21st, 16:10

im dreaming! im in school, why so many school dreams lately? we're in a classroom i've never seen before, its dark, we're watching a movie. the teacher does not look like mr. kazmerzak but i know that it is him for some reason. and this teacher was being a bit of an asshole so it made sense to me. everyone around me has a pipe and is smoking a bowl. this seems to be an okay activity. the assistant teacher is Alanis Morisette. this doesnt seem to be quite the odd occurence to anyone. and im wondering why. emily is ranting to me about something but i keep wondering why our assistant teacher is fucking Alanis Morisette. I walk up to her and ask her to sign my mom's copy of Jagged Little Pill. I'm really nervous and she's acting like whats this all about I'm just an assistant teacher. Then she starts singing lightly, and I say "you know my favorite song of yours is Right Through You." and she starts singing it really softly, and then she leans in and starts kissing me. Then im watching us kiss from about ten feet away. Then I wake up and roll over.

Tags: dreams

(no subject)

: pilot_light_out; April 17th, 1:50

i've recently concluded that the most mysterious and secretive person i will ever know is my mother
and i hate to blame the sun for it

Previous 20

pilot_light_out

You wont know

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